Gifts from Granny

So it comes round again, and she asks what I want,

Maybe some clothes to help bear the brunt,

Of the long winter we are having with all this snow,

Or some boots so you can get to where you want to go,

Or how about a CD, are you still in to rap?

Or was it Indie you liked, or that band Spinal Tap?

Or a box set of a series you watch on TV?

Or a razor so you can finally get rid of that goatee?

How about a Lynx gift set, that’s what boys need!

Or maybe something obscure, like Egyptian Paper Reed,

Just tell me what you want, that’s all you need to do,

Anything on this planet and I’ll get it for you,

I’ll name you a star; I’ll buy you a car,

Or take you on holiday to the capital of Qatar!

I have been saving all year to get you something fantastic,

The least you could do is be a little enthusiastic,

If I just give you the money then you can get it yourself,

Just make sure it isn’t something bad for your health,

And once you have picked it then come and show me what I bought,

Because if it isn’t wrapped I know you’ll be distraught,

Well I’m glad that’s dealt with; it will be in Santa’s sleigh,

Now have you given any thought to want you want for your birthday?

No Luck, Just Brains

If I had been lucky I could live in a mansion,
but I have brains, so I live in a flat.
I could have won the lottery, or stumbled upon a previously unknown species of animal,
I could have unearthed a hoarde of Roman coins while using my metal detector on the beach in Filey,
but I have brains, so I live in a flat.
I could have put my money on the 'Pools' and won the million,
or bought a scratchcard because i had a spare pound and been 'Rich For Life'
but I have brains, so I live in a flat.
I could have risked my money on the turn of a card,
or bet on Xavi to score from his own half,
or that Hamilton would win the Grand Prix, or Button, or Vettel,
but I have brains, so I live in a flat.
I could have written any of the great plays, books, films or songs of our time,
but I never knew I could have had the idea until I have seen, heard or read it,
my mind stays full of the ideas I am yet to see produced before I produce them,
but that is okay,
Because I have brains, and I live in a flat.

To Be Loved

I said I love you,
and I do.
Probably not in the way you expect,
certainly not in the way you want,
but I do love you.
I wouldn't want you to be hurt,
and I wouldn't want you to be upset with me.
So I say I love you, which I do, and that makes you happy,
I am not unhappy,
I am not as happy as I could be, if I were with her, but I am not unhappy,
I am content,
and that is okay because content is good and you are happy.
So you say you love me and, really, that is nice to know,
and I say I love you and you pretend to believe me and we both smile.

But occasionally I stare in to space.

You ask what is wrong and I say nothing and you say okay,

And I continue staring in to space.

So I do love you, just not like that.
You don't want to know and I don't want to say.
So you are happy,
and I am content.

The Onomatopoeia Child

Sit back, rocking chair,
bring it out, never stare,
sit up straight, come along,
hurt yourself, running home,
freedom, laugh, dance, share,
always having time to care,
Live and being, running wild,
The Onomatopoeia Child.
Sing until your throat is sore,
Christmas hurts, wanting more,
young love, sex is great,
broken heart, masterbate,
love, live, fight, shout,
sing, cry, break, out.
Live and being, running wild,
The Onomatopoeia Child.
Like a figure, disappear,
live in joy, love in fear,
underground, over thought,
seeking 'til the seeker's sought,
carefree, forever high,
yours, hers, mine, my.
Live and being, running wild,
My Onomatopoeia Child.

Modern Art

His name is Tyrone,
and he likes the way the brush strokes give away the subtle emotion while the vibrant colours are able to portray the true feelings that the artist has tried to display without making it obvious to the untrained eye.
It is a picture of a dog,
and Tyrone is a liar.
He wears skinny jeans,
a scarf,
and his hair covers his eyes.
As if at any moment he will sweep it back, reveal his face and
Shock
You with the importance of his words and the way he has
Thought
About the skill he has admired as a student when he
Gave
His opinion on things he knew nothing
About
Because girls love it when a guy can
Discuss
But it is a picture of a dog,
and Tyrone is a liar.

Mandatory Prison

Resident police officers,
Always on call,
A fence around the perimeter,
Twelve feet tall,
Be dressed and ready,
Outside your room at eight,
The consequences dire,
For those that are late,
Due to the amount of people being harmed,
The metal detector will check you're unarmed,
Forty five minutes for food and exercise,
Forty five minutes for you to fantasise,
Dream of home and those you need,
Dream of TV, alcohol and being freed,
Dream of not suffering five hours a day,
Of jotting down the words your teachers say.

Delayed At Kings Cross

I can't begin to fathom how much you weigh,
With your eighteen carriages, bar and cafe,
I don't know how you move, or get from A to B,
Nor do I know the engineering or technicality.
All I know is what makes you go wrong,
Like the leaves on the track that kept me in Wakefield for so long,
How leaves stop a train is a mystery to me,
Unless they are on the track, and still attached to the tree.
The Half inch of snow that fell in Edinburgh one spring,
Who would have guessed at the disruption half an inch can bring.
I was in Birmingham overnight due to signalling problems in Aberdeen,
Of course this shouldn't have stopped me on my way to Gretna Green.
Vandals on the track kept me static in Fulham,
Problems with staff cost me two hours in Durham.
'Reservations could not be reserved, we couldn't save your seat,
Enjoy travelling to Cornwall, outside the toilet, on your feet'
Prices have increased, mortgage your house if you want to buy,
Or find another mode of transport, it's now cheaper to fly.
Still, we never learn, as we stand, stamping our feet,
longing for the train and longing for the heat.
We bring hats down, over our ears, and put gloved hands in our coats,
'Expected any minute now' the arrivals board gloats.
But there is no greater feeling, getting home after the wait,
And crawling in to bed, four hours late.